*sigh*

i have always harbored a need to be in the know about my partner's current affairs.

sometimes to the point of being paranoid.

but i wanted to change that. i don't want to be the crazy boyfriend anymore.

so i chose not to ask questions. after all, ignorance is bliss, they say.

but things and circumstances just keep pointing to the direction of CHEATING.

but i ignored everything, everything, everything.

i kept quiet. just pretend that everything's fine. but suspicious matters just kept on creeping in.

we all have heard of the rich housewives with cheating husbands, right?

i wonder how those housewives keep quiet about the knowledge about their husband's affair(s). maybe it's because they have lots of money to shut them up.

"as long as i'm well manicured, well-dressed, there's no reason to turn a molehill into a mountain, right?"

but i have none of the riches that they have - i have (or should i say HAD) only your love.

i trusted you. i loved you with all my heart. i gave love another chance because of you. but alas...

i'm a walking, talking joke. hurray for nazmi.

a friend told me to just leave it be when it ends - but i always, always, ALWAYS itch to know what is happening even after it's over.

in the end, i'm the one who's hurt from all the nasty revelations.

Paramore sang it well:

Well you treat me just like another stranger

Well it's nice to meet you

I guess I'll go

I best be on my way out

thank you

thanks to everyone who showed their care and sympathy.

thanks for understanding.

sorry if i declined to tell some of you when you asked.

it's just too painful to bring back.

*****

sick and tired and worried

i've slept the whole day today.

woke up at 9.30am, but no energy to lift myself up.

another time, 3.30am. checked my texts, and went back to sleep.

woke up at breaking fast time, broke fast, showered and went to the health centre.

went back, popped the meds and went back to sleep.

woke up at 1.55am.

i reached out for my shirt glasses, only to find that it's not there.

usually this only triggers a minor worry, whether i've slept on it, or it fell to the floor.

but this time, it made me panic. because at that moment i remembered you.

what it's like to reach out for you, only to find that you aren't there.

but you aren't now.

:'(

my wednesday

wednesday is supposed to be a day of rest... a VERY much welcomed day especially in this fasting month... but turns out it was spent just waiting. waiting. waiting.

disclaimer: i am not blaming the people i'm waiting for making me fatigued; it's just that i see that the trend of this wednesday is to wait, or be waited on.

morning: arrived early to class because i walked up to class. why? juju replied late. i can't risk arriving to class late. but i look forward to spending the afternoon with my socialites. :) waited extra long because the class before us is having a quiz/test/evaluation/whatever. entered class at 9.15am. no class, the lecturer's kinda sick. so hairi pulled the photography session (totally forgot about it) to 10.15am. i totally forgot about this photo session. no wonder i was so hung up on what i was going to wear today. the subconscious mind tried to inform me. so i went back with nubli to change. arrived at 10.15am (assuming malaysian timing, hello) and everybody was already in place, waiting to start. what an ass, circumstances are - when it's me waiting, it takes forever. but time is so not forgiving when it's me who's being waited on. but the consolation? i was pushed up from the sidelines up to the middle. GOOD POSTURE PAYS, people. you may be taller than me, but what really counts is STANDING TALL. *triple finger snap*

next class. GIS database. the fasting fatigue+insomnia sets in, unable to focus. found out about bitching behind my back. whatever. to quote a dear friend, when people talk behind your back, that means you're already ahead of them!! :D

afternoon - the loooong wait. KAY TAGAL KANG HININTAY. since my phone is faulty, i can't read the screen clearly. so i thought juju and the gang are at the library. turns out they're at the fac's resource centre finishing up work. yeah, right, finishing up. it's 5pm and they still haven't managed to finish. the assignment was hard, even i was stumped. i went back at 5pm, and slept up till 7.55pm. imagine my horror!! quickly grabbing the leftover mooncake and plain water i broke my fast.

9pm: going for mcd. waiting for the girls is excruciatingly lengthy. i was falling back to sleep due to mild hunger. but i had mega mac. totally worth it, i'm satiated.

doing assignment at mcd. headache. found a thesis. bad grammar. but overall, kinda useful resources. the friend who sought help about GIS for his PSM is outside. helping him every way i could. :)

1.39am

today's berbuka is JUST.PLAIN.OTT:

* nasi ayam penyet

* kuetiau kerang (tasty!)

* two packs of water (one still not drunken yet)

* kosui and a pink kosui-like kuih (scary! refer to pic below)

* mooncake (lotus paste single yolk)

* 5 pieces of sushi

i thought it'd be just smooth, but when i bit into it, it was granular!! like biting into frog's eggs... icky but yummy :P

but alhamdulillah...

woke up after post-berbuka nap to find my baby 580's screen dimming...and pixelated....and basically, fucked up.

i think juju scared the phone... made it sad because of our talk about him wanting a new phone, and him asking me to get a new one too. we all know what happens to gadgets when we have conversations about wanting a new one or replacing the old one...huhuhuhuhu...but i have no budget for this... :(

and i have a cranium-splitting headache... it's been like this for a few days... plus i think my fever's back... perhaps a healing crisis?

i'm slowly getting over you. whatever assurance i have of you leaving, i am slowly deleting from my head. sure, i'll miss (and save) the good memories we've had together, but the separation is just too painful to bear. i need to start releasing. release. release. release. that's the keyword for me.

al-'alim (all knowing)

i express my sincerest, deepest gratitude to Allah swt. Al-'Alim (all-knowing). He knows when His followers are in dire straits. and He sends His love and aids them in those times. plus, Ramadhan is a month of miracles too. He has sent for me a very special person who is constantly reminding me to remember Him. this person is very, very unexpected - i really didn't see him coming. everything feels surreal. and yet here he is, aiding me, giving emotional support in these troubling times. he has managed to bring back a genuine smile to my face. i hope he's not just an angel whom He sends and takes back after his job is done...

*****

i think my worst fear came true.

*****

11.16pm

had my ear stuck on the phone for the past half an hour, figuring out the broadband dilemma with the celcom customer service guy. what he did is (what i think it is) he changed the IP address for my laptop. although i can only connect through EDGE now, but it's a connection, nevertheless.

broke fast with syaz, nisa and mimi today. syaz said tht there'll be another person, her friend nicknamed shiro. but it turns out, there's 25 other of his friends coming - syaz misheard him on the phone: she heard 7-8 persons but it turns out to be 28! so there we were just sitting, not really mixing with the others. they're older. way way older, i think.

finished around 9pm, bought credit top-ups, got my laundry back and headed back before going to McD to finish up assignments. another reason why i wanted to go out is to get connected to the internet. but the outing was cancelled because syaz already slept. poor syaz, tired from driving...huhuhuhu... so i took off my going-out attire, and called celcom to ask about this. and thus, here i am stuck with a slooooooow connection, and i can only open ONE tab at a time. bummer... still looking forward to 1am. hahaha~

i can't sleep this morning - tossed and turned a lot. not even music can lull me to sleep. stayed up until class-time. settled my broadband fees this morning with juju. this thing is just too emotionally stressful. i must hang with friends, or else i'd go crazy thinking about it. even now my thoughts are racing in my head. trying to get a grasp of the reality that is me losing you...

tried to upload pics from this evening - fucking connection's too darn sluggish to upload it. shittttt

i don't know

as you might or might not know, i absolutely HATE uncertainties.

right now, many uncertainties bug me. so many questions are muddling my thoughts, meddling with my sanity. it plays with my fears. my uncertainties. it saps up my sleep, my mind, my sanity.

what if it isn't real? suddenly i go to your place, only to find that you haven't moved at all. or one day i walk/drive past our favourite place only to find you there, happily dining with another lover. my biggest fear is that you're leaving because i wasn't able to offer something to the table.

i don't know if it's just mild paranoia or *gasp* the truth. reading your old messages, it crops up everywhere - subtle nuances apparent only now. tiny, tiny things that give something away. something un-good. i refrain from "bad" because it is too strong a word. things seem interchangeable. seemed inappropriately dynamic. seemed... scarily fluid and general. i am in a constant state of denial. a constant, constant state of denial because of this.

they say ignorance is bliss - i curse myself sometimes for being too nosy with some things. but not knowing sounds scary. especially if it's about the self. what if i'd have gone through this relationship innocently? go through it without the need, the urge, the desire, or god forbid the fanaticism to know each and every little detail? would i be everybody's fool?

my mind questions my love and loyalty to you now. i hate myself for questioning you. because i know my love for you is absolute. i refrain myself from questioning you because it would look as though i don't trust you. but some tiny, tiny cracks are opening up, and it scares me. there are SO many what-ifs in my mind now. so many evidences pointing to what i refuse to believe and what i have dismissed all this time.

this is only a fraction of what's in my mind. my thoughts are too flowing, too fast, too fluid to capture and form into proper sentences. but the theme is always the same: uncertainties, fears, and what-ifs.

15th august 2010

*****

15th august 2010

sms-ed syaz+mimi: "let's go break fast together. my treat."

withdrew some cash.

went to break fast at secret recipe danga street mall.

seems like all manners and etiquettes were left at home. LOL.

ate like hungry refugees. ate large loads.

post-meal sluggishness

casualties of war

contented cherubs

sweet thangs

=the menu=

tom yum kung (aka laksa) and mixfruit milkshake (nisa)

thai fried rice and mixfruit milkshake(syaz)

black pepper chicken with rice and chocolate milkshake (mimi)

pan-grilled dory fillet and banana milkshake (me)

shared lasagna and chicken cornish (aka glorified karipap)

nisa had a piece of cake afterwards; regretted not buying one too.

wish juju was there too!

THANKS GIRLS!!! :D

thanks for the company...

i attribute my sudden urge to treat friends to gratitude and the subconscious need to spread love to somebody.

since mine will be going away soon. :'(

*****