i keep having this dream (when i'm asleep) and desire (when i'm awake) to have someone rest his or her head on my chest... yes, his or her. perhaps his and her. i don't know.
am i longing for intimacy?
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
vent vent vent
actually i am typing this while i am at the fac, going online - i can't stand being in the room, going only oh-so-slowly... it's like a slow death by depression and stress. God knows how much bad chemicals my body are producing that are messing up my body (look it up)... the cool wind, the orbiting mosquitoes around my calves, weird sounds from the guy's lappy on the table next to mine, some people who are trying to finish up assignments whilst going on Facebook and invading my personal space with their annoying voices and tangled extension cables...
it has been an emotional day - having tons of elation but with the accompanying melancholia to even things out - life teaches us to be wary of our emotions by doing that - mindless laughter will eventually lead to sadness. and also anger and disappointment at something and some people. the trip to India was canceled (sob-sob) and replaced by a (kinda) far-fetched dream of Europe... anger is represented by the fact that one of the exam papers will be moved up to the STUDY WEEK. as if it isn't cruel enough to ONLY have ONE week of revisions. as Botak my classmate said, no more study week, just study days.... and don't give me that "you should be studying in an ongoing manner" crap - we were too busy drowning in heaps of assignments and homework to be totally and fully focused on revising.
although i'm not directly connected to the project, but i am too, incensed by the doings of a certain lecturer towards my friends. we (yes, WE) did the project presentation piece painstakingly, with passion and love and hope for approval and maybe some appreciation... and she shot them down just like that. without a chance to present. it feels like being rejected by parents, you know that? your title as a lecturer (or doctor, or professor, whatever) does not put you above the law or give you license to shoot your students down...
i am also missing someone... the weekend was too short... conversations were had but weren't able to be finished... and i was kind of needy that time with my temper tantrums and petty jealousy - i'm truly sorry about that... i was just missing you and craving attention. huhuhuhu... but i'm trying to grow up a LOT more i promise :)
it has been an emotional day - having tons of elation but with the accompanying melancholia to even things out - life teaches us to be wary of our emotions by doing that - mindless laughter will eventually lead to sadness. and also anger and disappointment at something and some people. the trip to India was canceled (sob-sob) and replaced by a (kinda) far-fetched dream of Europe... anger is represented by the fact that one of the exam papers will be moved up to the STUDY WEEK. as if it isn't cruel enough to ONLY have ONE week of revisions. as Botak my classmate said, no more study week, just study days.... and don't give me that "you should be studying in an ongoing manner" crap - we were too busy drowning in heaps of assignments and homework to be totally and fully focused on revising.
although i'm not directly connected to the project, but i am too, incensed by the doings of a certain lecturer towards my friends. we (yes, WE) did the project presentation piece painstakingly, with passion and love and hope for approval and maybe some appreciation... and she shot them down just like that. without a chance to present. it feels like being rejected by parents, you know that? your title as a lecturer (or doctor, or professor, whatever) does not put you above the law or give you license to shoot your students down...
i am also missing someone... the weekend was too short... conversations were had but weren't able to be finished... and i was kind of needy that time with my temper tantrums and petty jealousy - i'm truly sorry about that... i was just missing you and craving attention. huhuhuhu... but i'm trying to grow up a LOT more i promise :)
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
emotions
what an emotional day today.
- happy: because i get to hang out with my besties... and finally eat nasi lemak! twice!!!
- sad: because my socialites are pumped about this certain assignment but was shot down for it - i know what they went through to do that presentation because i was also helping them do it. it's violation of a human right. read up on it.
- angry: because a reputable institution still practises nepotism, bureaucracy, and cronyism.
- disappointed: because i don't get to go to India...
- love: because I MISS YOU...
bureaucracy
officially woke up at 11.30am - after much persuasion from Juju to have brunch and also woke up from the din that is Juju's laughter while watching Ugly Betty. Hahaha
i planned to pay off my debts with UTM in order to allow registration of next sem's subjects. but things didn't work out quite the way i have planned. we had a long lunch, followed by a GOP meeting at 3pm. so i didn't manage to pay it at the treasurer's office.
for the GOP, they have changed the venue to Europe. London - Paris maybe Tokyo... ooops wrong... London, Paris, Switzerland and Germany. and when i looked at the budget. i can say i am quite shocked and apprehensive. the budget was RM3k per person - minus the fac allowance. oh man, where am i gonna get the money. sure i can pull it out of JPA, but then i also wanted to get a camera for my passion. that amounts to RM5K - basically sucking up all of the JPA... i can work more for KRA so i can get a commision and may be work on the side to get extra... the thing is, i refuse to fork out that kind of money to go on a trip with potentially fun-less people (if you get mad at this statement, then you ARE one of them :P )
the shitty part came after: when i voiced my opinion about the budget, there goes someone with a long-winded story about another trip made by a certain group within UTM which needs way more than what we need to find, and how they succeeded in getting it without help from the usual sources. it was like listening to a war veteran's story. what a boob - it's called bureaucracy, nepotism, and cronyism. of course they get what they want because of those traits. and you are, of course, oblivious to it because you're with them and you're trying to prove a point. don't shit with me about not getting help from above when i KNOW you did - i'm not dumb and ignorant.
and to add insult to injury, i joined them precisely because i wanted to go to India. now they changed the venue, it was like a carpet pulled out from under me. i feel like i want to jump to the other side, if it wasn't for the fact that there are people that i dislike on that side. well, Que Sera Sera then. no point in crying over spilled milk.
i planned to pay off my debts with UTM in order to allow registration of next sem's subjects. but things didn't work out quite the way i have planned. we had a long lunch, followed by a GOP meeting at 3pm. so i didn't manage to pay it at the treasurer's office.
for the GOP, they have changed the venue to Europe. London - Paris maybe Tokyo... ooops wrong... London, Paris, Switzerland and Germany. and when i looked at the budget. i can say i am quite shocked and apprehensive. the budget was RM3k per person - minus the fac allowance. oh man, where am i gonna get the money. sure i can pull it out of JPA, but then i also wanted to get a camera for my passion. that amounts to RM5K - basically sucking up all of the JPA... i can work more for KRA so i can get a commision and may be work on the side to get extra... the thing is, i refuse to fork out that kind of money to go on a trip with potentially fun-less people (if you get mad at this statement, then you ARE one of them :P )
the shitty part came after: when i voiced my opinion about the budget, there goes someone with a long-winded story about another trip made by a certain group within UTM which needs way more than what we need to find, and how they succeeded in getting it without help from the usual sources. it was like listening to a war veteran's story. what a boob - it's called bureaucracy, nepotism, and cronyism. of course they get what they want because of those traits. and you are, of course, oblivious to it because you're with them and you're trying to prove a point. don't shit with me about not getting help from above when i KNOW you did - i'm not dumb and ignorant.
and to add insult to injury, i joined them precisely because i wanted to go to India. now they changed the venue, it was like a carpet pulled out from under me. i feel like i want to jump to the other side, if it wasn't for the fact that there are people that i dislike on that side. well, Que Sera Sera then. no point in crying over spilled milk.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
sunday afternoon
a sunday afternoon - a valuable asset that is often misused and will be misused again today - with pointless loafing around. i just do this because the next three weeks (and beyond) is gonna be HELLISH. i just hope i still get to hang out with my near and dear coz if not, i'm gonna go crazy. haha~
you went home yesterday.. seeing you disappear in the rain, going up the bus. the seat 4C allows me a last glimpse of you before you depart back to KL... promptly afterwards, i miss you dearly. later, i went back to my room only to be greeted by the deafening silence :(
one more week to go - i had misinterpreted the week before as the final week before finals. turns out THIS week is the final one. ugh... OMG i hope i don't get a letter of *gasp*... but whatever, i think it's safe to assume that this week i will be able to focus better on revising - buying new stationery surely gives a positive push! :D
WKU 984 - sherry's car - is back!! alhamdulillah, everything's fine, the bitch was milked of her insurance money - serves you right for doing this to sherry! hahaha... and spent last night a while with sherry and dyana at old town to have dinner and catch up - OMG i SO missed those days! two weeks felt like two years with tonnes of untold gossip, and also incomplete gossip, with "incomplete" meaning those which REQUIRE us to meet up to tell!!!
only recently i am able to devote more time to Kamireka Art - i have experienced an epiphany though some life experience (and through watching TV series) and i have decided that i shouldn't have to sacrifice my passion for other things - its okay to do them together with a certain percentage of each activity but NEVER omit them because passion is what drives us in life... thus i am devoting more on Kamireka (ejat and mich are shouldering most of the burden coz their in KK where most activities are held) and also freelance writing... who knows i might catch a break, insyaAllah :)
it's been SO LONG since i have turned up my lappy to full audio capacity - KRP is like a low cost housing area that is so cramped i don't feel comfy turning the volume up. HAHAHA but whatever. nazmi's back with a vengeance with Evanescence. HAHAHAHA~
my skin feels so blocked - i DO exfoliate but it still is not enough. i may need to sweat. SO, i hope that the weather is fine enough for an invigorating run!! :D
you went home yesterday.. seeing you disappear in the rain, going up the bus. the seat 4C allows me a last glimpse of you before you depart back to KL... promptly afterwards, i miss you dearly. later, i went back to my room only to be greeted by the deafening silence :(
one more week to go - i had misinterpreted the week before as the final week before finals. turns out THIS week is the final one. ugh... OMG i hope i don't get a letter of *gasp*... but whatever, i think it's safe to assume that this week i will be able to focus better on revising - buying new stationery surely gives a positive push! :D
WKU 984 - sherry's car - is back!! alhamdulillah, everything's fine, the bitch was milked of her insurance money - serves you right for doing this to sherry! hahaha... and spent last night a while with sherry and dyana at old town to have dinner and catch up - OMG i SO missed those days! two weeks felt like two years with tonnes of untold gossip, and also incomplete gossip, with "incomplete" meaning those which REQUIRE us to meet up to tell!!!
only recently i am able to devote more time to Kamireka Art - i have experienced an epiphany though some life experience (and through watching TV series) and i have decided that i shouldn't have to sacrifice my passion for other things - its okay to do them together with a certain percentage of each activity but NEVER omit them because passion is what drives us in life... thus i am devoting more on Kamireka (ejat and mich are shouldering most of the burden coz their in KK where most activities are held) and also freelance writing... who knows i might catch a break, insyaAllah :)
it's been SO LONG since i have turned up my lappy to full audio capacity - KRP is like a low cost housing area that is so cramped i don't feel comfy turning the volume up. HAHAHA but whatever. nazmi's back with a vengeance with Evanescence. HAHAHAHA~
my skin feels so blocked - i DO exfoliate but it still is not enough. i may need to sweat. SO, i hope that the weather is fine enough for an invigorating run!! :D
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