muddled thoughts

*****

Allah is great, all-knowing and all-seeing. he creates individuals. no one is created the same.

i have always used songs to convey thoughts and feelings. but what i'm experiencing now can't really be expressed in music form. there's just too much on my mind. everything swirling in my head. i tried to talk it out among my closest friends, but no, they don't understand; either they slide off to another topic, mumble something vague, or just laugh it off. i don't hate them for that. if even i myself can't fathom my own emotional hodgepodge, how could anyone else?

however, the songs that match closest to what i'm feeling now are:

- taylor swift's breathe (closest match yet)

- michael buble's hold on (the music matches emotions but not the lyrics)

- avenged sevenfold's dear god (the subconscious trying to reach out to Him)

- ryan cabrera's 40 kinds of sadness (all emotions i'm feeling eventually lead to sorrow)

losing someone is never easy. experiencing deja vu about something bad is never good. losing yourself might be fatal. losing control sends you into the arms of disaster. a meltdown would be inevitable.

everyone conveys their feelings differently; some lash out in anger, some put themselves in a lockdown, some hurt themselves, some medicate themselves, some eat/drink/sleep, some even turn an emotional 180. mine is through music. sometimes i hate myself for setting this cardinal rule of life: i only cry for family or matters relating to family. i should have added i can also cry for myself. then i wouldn't feel as much pain as i do now.

pardon me if i blank out in the middle of a conversation, pardon me if i ignore you. pardon me if things don't get done on time. i'm just trying to figure myself out. i just feel like blinking out of existence for a while. run away somewhere. and hide.

It's two a.m.

Feelin' like I just lost a friend.

Hope you know this ain't easy,

Easy for me.

*****