self reflection

a lot of good-intentioned people in my life have said this to me, and not to mention the countless reminders and advices from religious and moral factions: "kita haruslah muhasabah diri" which loosely translates to "we should perform self-reflection". it is a necessity for us as humans to gauge our habits and attitudes as human, in looking at ourselves whether we are being the best human being we could be.


it has always been used as a weapon against me whenever i fight with anyone. the other side will say that i am selfish, and only care about myself. when i turn to mum for some moral support, she would also come to the same kind of conclusion. after listening to such statements, i would reconsider myself. perhaps i am (back in those days i am the wrong one, it seems; this comes from my own assessment) alhamdulillah, i grow with each conflict; before blowing up, i would think, am i being inconsiderate? yes i am. hence i won't fight.


but lately it has been a different matter altogether. i think hard before blowing up, and it really is't my fault, and i have every right to start the fight. but it feels like a global conspiracy: in the end the accusing finger always, always can be pointed back at me; i seem to be at fault. it's demoralizing, honestly.


but now, i have gone through a lot of self-reflection (evident in the periods of silence i have when being around peers and when i am by myself). i am not to blame for the conflicts. i am not being inconsiderate. it is them that are wrong. so why am i still being blamed? perhaps they are taking advantage of my niceties, of my ability to self-reflect and use it against me. past wrongs should not be used to stoke the flames of a current conflict.


now i know better. alhamdulillah for the guidance from Him. no more Nazmi the good guy.