muddled thoughts

*****

Allah is great, all-knowing and all-seeing. he creates individuals. no one is created the same.

i have always used songs to convey thoughts and feelings. but what i'm experiencing now can't really be expressed in music form. there's just too much on my mind. everything swirling in my head. i tried to talk it out among my closest friends, but no, they don't understand; either they slide off to another topic, mumble something vague, or just laugh it off. i don't hate them for that. if even i myself can't fathom my own emotional hodgepodge, how could anyone else?

however, the songs that match closest to what i'm feeling now are:

- taylor swift's breathe (closest match yet)

- michael buble's hold on (the music matches emotions but not the lyrics)

- avenged sevenfold's dear god (the subconscious trying to reach out to Him)

- ryan cabrera's 40 kinds of sadness (all emotions i'm feeling eventually lead to sorrow)

losing someone is never easy. experiencing deja vu about something bad is never good. losing yourself might be fatal. losing control sends you into the arms of disaster. a meltdown would be inevitable.

everyone conveys their feelings differently; some lash out in anger, some put themselves in a lockdown, some hurt themselves, some medicate themselves, some eat/drink/sleep, some even turn an emotional 180. mine is through music. sometimes i hate myself for setting this cardinal rule of life: i only cry for family or matters relating to family. i should have added i can also cry for myself. then i wouldn't feel as much pain as i do now.

pardon me if i blank out in the middle of a conversation, pardon me if i ignore you. pardon me if things don't get done on time. i'm just trying to figure myself out. i just feel like blinking out of existence for a while. run away somewhere. and hide.

It's two a.m.

Feelin' like I just lost a friend.

Hope you know this ain't easy,

Easy for me.

*****

#200

a humongous thanks to these people:

my family: my backbone, the reason i'm still alive.

juju, syaz, nisa and mimi: my beloved socialites.

sher and dyana: my uber blonde bffs.

ejat and michelle: my talented kamireka design team.

my cabal of friends: my beloved foster family. me not mentioning you specifically means that there is a large number of you. but it doesn't mean that i love you any less.

and of course, Him.

without Him, i won't even be alive to enjoy these beautiful, wonderful earthly companions.

Alhamdulillah.

E N N U I

*****

all of a sudden, the wheels put me on the bottom.

from all aspects, things seem so bleak.

oh i wish to have someone to give a pat on my back and understand what's going on.

but no one does. i tried to disclose it to one friend, but even that turned out to be a dud. i quit doing that because i don't think anyone will ever do.

the only consolation i could get on the physical plane is through this song.

Michael Buble's Hold On

the lyrics do not fit the situation. but the music mirrors my emotions, a melancholic tempest of untold, unfulfilled desires.

i'm baffled.

why oh why? i wish i could just run away to somewhere.

to escape this pain.

to escape this sorrow.

to escape this lack of understanding.

Lord please give me strength.

Lord please give me patience.

Amin.

2.01am

- you're silent.

- i'm like a cold switch - fever, runny nose, throat ailment all going on and off, go on and off. my friends may think i'm slacking off but i am not - please don't misunderstand me.

- a dear friend is going away. going back to work closer to home. i'm sad. no more hanging out together.

- things just don't seem to get done on time now - partly my fault, i won't deny that.

- i apologize to anybody that i may have hurt or cause any kind of pain.

- thanks to my dear friends who have been there for me.

4th august 2010

currently at mcdonald's. syaz, mimi nisa and two of their coursemates ain and moon are doing their assignments. i'm just out to avoid the black hole that is my room - no internet connection!! it is still interfered by the damned other i.s.p.

i am milking mcdonald's connection by playing my fave fb games, reading the news, downloading songs and videos and also researching for kamireka art.

very humbled by the designs presented by other design teams from the phillipines, singapore and also malaysia's own. i hope to learn and be enriched by them.

by the way, i miss you.

:'(

i'm not sure whether it's good for me to wear my heart on my sleeve.

it seems to do good for other people, very well, even.

but when it comes to me, it only ends in a heartbreak.

the one time i gave it another chance, it bites me back hard.

am i truly cursed in this thing called...?

you fill in the blank spot - i can't bear talking about it anymore.

have i been forsaken?

there has been no news. no texts. not even a reply on the facebook message.