Blogging has been a tool for me to hone my language skills. It has allowed my mum a glimpse into my life here (yeah, I myself am quite surprised that she reads my blog) and also an outlet for my feelings. But what it doesn’t do is help me focus my thoughts and feelings. I gotta learn to do that. Lately I have been scattered in terms of my energy; I can’t focus on one thing, and tend to space out. Yesterday I even ran into a brick wall of a guy while running.
So here goes – an attempt to collect my thoughts and feelings from the mindstorm. (In no particular order; they may sound like gibberish at times but that’s how muddled my thoughts are, pardon me)
I just experienced a backstabbing lately – there was an assignment that needs to be done. I thought that it would be a collective effort, but I have been assigned to do something menial. I would love that, doing just a bit. But this came from a very good friend, whom I trust to give me the shit straight out of the pooper. Whatever. i just try to focus on the task she gave me, and do it. But R told me to be grateful for not receiving such a huge workload so I guess there's the silver lining to it :)
I sat for a mock interview with my fellow classmates for English class on Friday afternoon. We had to answer Qs for a job that we chose to. And this was unexpected: the lecturer gave us the verdict on who got the job and who didn’t. I did! :D Although I didn’t really get the job, but just receiving acclaim for that spurred me to do good in my job and just be a better person. And to find somewhere good for my industrial training.
I am thoroughly enjoying the new books that I have – New Malaysian Essays 1, What Your Teachers Didn’t Tell You, I Am Muslim, Found in Malaysia, and the latest, Orang Macam Kita. I never thought I’d fall this deeply in love with local literature. Though I still feel the same way I do with those cheesy Al** 21 novels :P
September, I noticed (aside from being my birthday month) has been a month of discovery of myself, in general. It is also about discovery of people like me, who have same thoughts and perhaps a mind frame that is quite identical to mine. This was through a literary journey of the aforementioned books. I didn’t know that many others have the same feelings and thoughts as me.
It is also a discovery of people who are NOT like me, even going as far as the opposite of me. People who will not be able to accept me as I am, people who may even hate me for being who I am. It would be best to stop wasting my time and energy looking to these people and kissing these people's ass.
I see this as wisdom coming to me in this aspect of life first in order to help me in the journey that is my life. Perhaps this contributed to me feeling a little tight-lipped lately – I was more observant of people as well as myself. Perhaps it also contributed to the recent cloudy thoughts that I have – my mind has been running in overdrive, what with motor skills, rampant thoughts and also tempestuous feelings (mine and others’) to take care of.
Any other thoughts? Let me gather them first, and turn it into the next entry :)
- Mr Amir Muhammad finally accepted my friend request!!
- Made some more friends through Matahari books – I hope to gain more like-minded friends.
- Thinking of being more myself, and be less caring about what others feel/think about me. Or even better, hoping to find individuals who can accept me as I am. Playing a flight attendant, to rein in your own feelings, be “professional” and “courteous”, though good under professional circumstances, have no place in a true friendship. It is just too artificial.
- Am holding on to this now: “Why should I be an orange wanting to be an apple, when you could be the best orange??” and also “when receiving criticism, think about where the criticism came from – is the person criticizing you an integral part of your life?”
- I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!! I WOULD POTENTIALLY DIE IF OUR PLANNED DATE GETS CHANGED ONE MORE TIME!!!!!
- I hate you, you, and you. And I like you, you, and you. Oh, and you. I love YOU ;)