discovery (and other stuff)

Blogging has been a tool for me to hone my language skills. It has allowed my mum a glimpse into my life here (yeah, I myself am quite surprised that she reads my blog) and also an outlet for my feelings. But what it doesn’t do is help me focus my thoughts and feelings. I gotta learn to do that. Lately I have been scattered in terms of my energy; I can’t focus on one thing, and tend to space out. Yesterday I even ran into a brick wall of a guy while running.

So here goes – an attempt to collect my thoughts and feelings from the mindstorm. (In no particular order; they may sound like gibberish at times but that’s how muddled my thoughts are, pardon me)

I just experienced a backstabbing lately – there was an assignment that needs to be done. I thought that it would be a collective effort, but I have been assigned to do something menial. I would love that, doing just a bit. But this came from a very good friend, whom I trust to give me the shit straight out of the pooper. Whatever. i just try to focus on the task she gave me, and do it. But R told me to be grateful for not receiving such a huge workload so I guess there's the silver lining to it :)

I sat for a mock interview with my fellow classmates for English class on Friday afternoon. We had to answer Qs for a job that we chose to. And this was unexpected: the lecturer gave us the verdict on who got the job and who didn’t. I did! :D Although I didn’t really get the job, but just receiving acclaim for that spurred me to do good in my job and just be a better person. And to find somewhere good for my industrial training.

I am thoroughly enjoying the new books that I have – New Malaysian Essays 1, What Your Teachers Didn’t Tell You, I Am Muslim, Found in Malaysia, and the latest, Orang Macam Kita. I never thought I’d fall this deeply in love with local literature. Though I still feel the same way I do with those cheesy Al** 21 novels :P

September, I noticed (aside from being my birthday month) has been a month of discovery of myself, in general. It is also about discovery of people like me, who have same thoughts and perhaps a mind frame that is quite identical to mine. This was through a literary journey of the aforementioned books. I didn’t know that many others have the same feelings and thoughts as me. 

It is also a discovery of people who are NOT like me, even going as far as the opposite of me. People who will not be able to accept me as I am, people who may even hate me for being who I am. It would be best to stop wasting my time and energy looking to these people and kissing these people's ass.

I see this as wisdom coming to me in this aspect of life first in order to help me in the journey that is my life. Perhaps this contributed to me feeling a little tight-lipped lately – I was more observant of people as well as myself. Perhaps it also contributed to the recent cloudy thoughts that I have – my mind has been running in overdrive, what with motor skills, rampant thoughts and also tempestuous feelings (mine and others’) to take care of.

Any other thoughts? Let me gather them first, and turn it into the next entry :)

Footnotes:

- Mr Amir Muhammad finally accepted my friend request!!

- Made some more friends through Matahari books – I hope to gain more like-minded friends.

- Thinking of being more myself, and be less caring about what others feel/think about me. Or even better, hoping to find individuals who can accept me as I am. Playing a flight attendant, to rein in your own feelings, be “professional” and “courteous”, though good under professional circumstances, have no place in a true friendship. It is just too artificial.

- Am holding on to this now: “Why should I be an orange wanting to be an apple, when you could be the best orange??” and also “when receiving criticism, think about where the criticism came from – is the person criticizing you an integral part of your life?”

- I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!! I WOULD POTENTIALLY DIE IF OUR PLANNED DATE GETS CHANGED ONE MORE TIME!!!!!

- I hate you, you, and you. And I like you, you, and you. Oh, and you. I love YOU ;)

a picnic

The stars twinkled in the sky. It prompted Noah to play the Twinkle Twinkle Little Star song in his mind. Rosaline was cutting a French loaf and laying slices of smoked salmon in them. She moved towards Noah with one sandwich and let him take a bite. Rosaline took away a crumb that was on his lip.

“I love you.” She took one bite of the sandwich herself.

Noah looked into her eyes. He savored the eyes that flashed reflections of the stars. The deep brown eyes that were conveying her love for him. He ran a finger on her cheek and let it stop on her lower lip.

“I love you too, dear.” He planted a soft kiss on her lips.

“Wait here.” Noah stood up to head towards the car. His movements scrunched up the checkered fabric that shielded their derrière from the prickly grass. He returned with his sweater and put it on Rosaline’s shoulder. He had noticed her shuddering a bit from the draft. How sweet, Rosaline thought. She took a sip of the wine. She shuddered in the warmth of the sweater; but it was the hug from Noah afterwards that warmed her heart.

Noah always reveled in hugging Rosaline – the smell of her hair, her perfume, and the silkiness of her chocolate skin. Rosaline’s chocolate complexion contrasted with his porcelain skin; ebony and ivory, he always said. Noah settled himself on the grass behind Rosaline, letting Rosaline snuggle in with him. He loved it when Rosaline put her head on his chest. The fragrance of her hair would waft into his nostrils, tantalizing him, making him love her even more.

Rosaline loved the warmth that Noah’s firm physique offered – she could hear the soft thumps of his strong heartbeat. Occasionally Noah would lower his head to sniff her hair, and when Rosaline feels a bit naughty, she’d squirm a bit and run her long fingers on his thigh. Then she could hear his heartbeat quicken. She loved it.

"I love you." They had said that in unison. They laughed together.

random thoughts 29th sept 2010

it's been a while since i've blogged - i'm just blocked. or more accurately, my thoughts are so lost in my mindstorm these days. i barely have enough concentration. life seems to just go by. well, i'd try gathering some thoughts and put it here.


- I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!


- went to the dentist today after discovering the horror that is my teeth - a scaling session is LONG overdue. so after interviewing our senior Kak Suzen and accompanying my classmates/groupmates to buy a Japanese table at Giant, i went to the Health Centre to see the dentist. the registration desk lady was the first aggravation of my fear (it's been SO LONG since my last dentist's appointment). then the MA was the next - looking like a less-deformed Igor but acting no less like one. oh, and i had to hold the water-sucking thingy. resulted in a wet shoulder, dammit. the nurse moved it this way, and the dentist moved it to another position. and the dentist did as if she's trying to kill me with the scaling instrument. but its done, now my teeth is less grungy :)


- class went by as usual. finally a day with class. but i feel like skipping tomorrow... i'm NOT really fond of one of this lecturer, and i feel like it's mutual...


- I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!


- watching GG (almost) nonstop - season three, and then hopefully i get Ugly Betty season 4 too!


- i keep having this image... in my slumber it appears as a dream, then it also appears as a vision... intriguing, scary, ominous. i don't know.does it signify something?


- what's the progress with an event where i'm one of the committee member? i received no update and there is no follow-up - is is gonna happen? 


- i feel like someone's out to get me. LOL~


- the black bitch is STILL in UTM - ran into him.her that time i was jogging in the K11 area. from that moment on i have true intentions of being mean to people ala Blair Waldorf. enough is enough - one can only be nice for so long. sooner or later the claws must come out.


- i am getting fat!!!!


- can't wait to get my book through the mail!!!! unfortunately, this also resulted in me having to scrimp on meals... what with my dwindling cash reserve, and my sudden interest in alternative local literature (NOT those cheesy novels, mind you)...they're truly LITERARY GEMS, able to evoke a multitude of emotions and stimulate the mind. and it also struck a few chords with my life. i can relate to the authors. if only the rest of Malaysia is able to think like them. true visionaries, true artists, true Malaysian :) 


- last but CERTAINLY NOT the least, I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!!

jealousy

Sometimes I curse myself for having this jealousy. Yes, jealousy means that I do care about you, and jealousy means I am NOT willing to share you with any other. But I fear that this jealousy may one day chase you away… I pray for us to be together always. I certainly hope that my jealousy won’t reach to a level when it’d scare you away.

I sometimes point out things that you do, just out of jealousy – a mere mention of a guy BFF, a sentence that points to being interested in making more friends (that is ONLY vaguely pointing towards an interest in finding another one. GOD FORBID!) And I hate myself for it. I mean, I do that too; why should I be jealous about it?

Sorry for being such a jealous lover… I just love you so much. Every day I wake up fearing that the day would be the day you leave me…

no one messes with my heart and gets away with it.

LOVE

Never have I felt such love for anyone.

It pains me to know that you are in trouble.

But it pains me more to not be able to help you.

My inability stems from me not being able to fully fathom the extent of the problem, only because I have no experience in that aspect of life.

But know that I am always here, to lend an ear to listen, and to spare a shoulder to cry on.

I love you.

*****

Every day I think about what I did to deserve this gift, a gift that is YOU.

Out of His kingdom of light and cloud, He sent an angel to deliver me from pain and sorrow.

You came at a time when my heart was afflicted with despair.

Your words of empowerment and encouragement has rid my heart of hopelessness.

Seeing you live for the first time cleared all doubts I had of you.

You were spunky yet reserved, serious yet playful all at the same time.

Thinking about the good times we had, our moments of mirth

Always cracks a smile on my face no matter where and when.

As the days go by and the seasons change,

I believe my feelings for you shall never change.

*****

reading this over and over again leaves me with this: what am I babbling about?? I guess that's what love is - it's unable to be fully explained and can't be properly put into words.