2nd ramadhan

didn't sleep last night - right up till it was time for class.

system analysis and design - went up to sign my attendance. she asked "where were you last week?" i was dumbstruck for a split second. "i wasn't feeling well. i did put my-"

"no i didn't see it. who knows who might have removed it? blah3..." and thus goes on a flurry of verbal abuse... with me standing there like a pole. right in front of class. a stupid pole with a damn sore throat and fucking aching gums. she's just a well-known bitch, i know that. no use fighting her, it ain't even worth it. i'd be the one suffering later on. so i went back to my seat, only to hear childish chuckles from one classmate. you think you're so good huh, fat ass? fat ass.

i curse the bastard/bitch that removed my sick leave slip. fuck you.

thank goodness mr. spatial analysis didn't subject me to the same humiliation. just that i didn't bring my laptop to do stuff. it was out to service some driver malfunctions. so i just sat there, highlighting important points in the spatial analysis book. took a leak around 12 noon, and went to the class where i left my file. thank goodness it's still there. took it home, listened to the radio while continuing note-making. left at 1pm. juju and nisa went to submit their resumes at CICT. syaz and mimi went back.

went back, armed with new movies from fellow classmate zuhdi. watched toy story 3 but had to restart twice because i fell asleep. lastly i let my eyes rest and fell fully asleep. woke up around 5.30pm. mimi called to ask to go to bazaar ramadhan. bought food. washed eyes (although not as enthusiastically due to lethargy and hunger). went back. watched the losers while waiting for maghrib to arrive. broke fast. rested. slept until 9pm.

what a godsend - a call from someone very special... it practically lifted the physical pain of my throat and gums, and also the public humiliation pain from this morning. chatted... oh my gosh i miss you so much. so much...

took a shower around ten. rearranged stuff in my laptop. asked for help from hairi to re-install arcgis. tomorrow then, he's going to bed. the call still resounds in my head... i miss your voice... looking forward to meeting you this weekend... insyaallah...

a fellow friend introduced me to her friend who needs help in GIS stuff - he's doing his PSM with something related to GIS. i will try my best to help you :)

now this is my life - staying up at a time when everyone's asleep. going online. something strikes me - there's a sudden boom in my social life. alhamdulillah for that. He's all seeing, all-knowing. He aids in times of need. and Ramadhan's a month filled with miracles and goodness. insyaallah, there'll be more to come. :)

post-sahur rantings

- a new person in my life. an unexpected stranger coming in just when things look so damn bleak. alhamdulillah, practically an angel sent from above to give emotional support during these trying times. may we have a long-lasting friendship, amin...

- the potential loss of someone very special. what will i do without you?

- looking forward to rekindling old relationships and repairing old wounds.

- i'm flattered by the attention given by someone to me, but i'm not one for an open relationship. i'm exclusively exclusive, so to speak.

- deleting some old facebook messages. saw messages from exes. time has passed, but the wounds haven't completely healed yet. some messages made old scars tingle.

- suddenly feeling helpless. immersing myself in tasks doesn't work anymore. it threatens to overwhelm me.

the new schedule

7/8am : wake up

morning/afternoon : classes

5/6pm : shower/buy stuff for break fast

7++pm : break fast

9pm : sleep

12am : wake up/revision/others

1am : revision/others/online

4am : sahur then sleep

(repeat)

first day of ramadhan

i feel i may have cheated a bit on this day... :P

woke up at 12 noon. not that i intend to... this throat is attempting to kill me with the numbing pain... and my gums are acting up again... plus the fact that i can't drink or eat, it seems to use this chance to unleash its terror upon my oral cavity... so i was KOed and left to writhe in pain and silence on my bed... just watching movies/series, texting, reading (a bit)...

then i slept again at 1pm. woke up at 4pm. the pain still hasn't subside. so off i went into slumber until 6pm... mimi's number flashed on my phone display but it was nisa: she invited me to break fast with them, and told me that a plus one is also there. so off we went to the sri pulai bazaar...

humans everywhere, perfect for ogling... but i was not in the mood due to these reasons: the fasting month, my excruciating pain-in-the-mouth killed my libido and also i am just not in the mood (i miss you). i would've been happy just to get a simple polystyrene pack of of mixed rice. ended up buying lotsa stuff (mr. plus one's treat) and broke fast at KDSE.

p/s: thanks to mr. plus one for the treat, and also thank you girls for the eye candy :P

went back around 8.30pm. very full. slept (again). woke up at 12am. i hope this is not a trend for this year's fasting month... will be having sahur with the girls. i'm not sure i want to sahur...

Ramadhan Al-Mubarak

welcome, mr ramadhan. :)

May the festival of lights be the harbinger of joy and prosperity.

As the holy occasion of Ramadan is here

and the atmosphere is filled with the spirit of mirth and love,

here is hoping this festival of beauty brings your way,

bright sparkles of contentment,

that stay with you through the days ahead.

*****

>> how to incorporate my vitamins and supplements into the fasting month - should i take it after my sahur? and once after breaking fast?

>> should i take a night run during this fasting month?

>> where to break fast? with whom? what should the daily cost be? nasi kerabu's a must. :D

>> i'm coping with this loss. is there a way to move on without forgetting that person?

>> thanks a bunch to dear friends (again) for the unending support through my tough times... you're all gems on my crown of friendship... :D

>> never underestimate the kindness of strangers... ;)

*also time to listen to the middle eastern jingle played while the break-fast times are aired on TV (usually sponsored by peelfresh juice), a slew of Ramadhan TV series, religious highlights and on the final day of fasting, the takbir! :D

****

ailing ailments

sore throat >> every swallow is agony. i have to bend my neck a certain way every time i swallow. made me look like kind of a disabled person.

inflamed gums >> spot-on where the right molars are. it limits how wide i can open my mouth. i'm feeling like heidi montag after she had her jawline re-done.

twisted knee >> perhaps i twisted a wrong way on a downhill run the other day. subjected my knee to too much pressure. will be out for a few days, and looks like i won't be able to make that run before ramadhan arrives.

broken heart >> still digesting the fact that i will be losing you. i can't believe this is happening. nothing is certain. so is my state of mind. i don't know what to expect, what to do, what to make of the future without you.

friends keep telling me to "move on". but it is not easy, and never will be. especially when things are uber-wonderful, super-lovely like what we had.

a big thanks to friends who showed empathy and support. i can go with the flow, laugh hard and make silly jokes. but when things dial down, and i am by my lonesome, the sadness creeps back in...

a dear friend once said "get someone you can have beautiful conversations with". i got that with you. but you're going away...

*sigh*

i try to distract myself by immersing myself in daily tasks.

i try to distract myself by having fun with friends.

i try to ignore the pain.

but it's as thought the world is playing a nasty prank on me.

it feels as though someone is sprinkling salt onto an open wound.

after that, they douse it with vinegar.

thanks to my dear friends who are here for me.

but it will take some time for me to digest this.

i'm not even sure i want to accept this inconvenient truth.

How Do I Live Without You

"There'd be no sun in my sky,

There'd be no world left for me."

(LeAnn Rimes' How Do I Live)

i held it back for so long.

and the dam for my tears finally broke last night.

i wasn't proud of it, but it shows how much i love you.

it feels like someone yanked a carpet from right under my feet.

i am not prepared, i really am not.

just as i thought things were getting better.

i don't know what to do without you.

i don't know what will happen after you.

i can't stand losing you.

that weekend was very precious to me, like a chapter out of a fairy tale.

except that there will be no happy ending to it.

i said i didn't want to go back, but your words resounded:

"be realistic..."

i wish things wouldn't be like this. i want you here...