intelligent banter

i miss intelligent conversations/debates/banter with my mum.


not that the other people in my life are dumb (narrow-minded yes, sometimes) but no one bothers to rebut seriously; they would either (a) murmur "m-hmm" and move on to the next topic or (b) offer a simple solution that seems like a Hansaplast on a broken bone. but what mum does is twist the topic a bit, offer a strong rebuttal that forces me to think about my answers. my weakness is my inability to think a few steps forward. this results in an "incomplete answer", akin to a temporary solution to a problem. that's where mum comes in and "slaughters" me, giving a rebuttal that may or may not be strong. therefore, it forces me to think. think. and think. i love it. and what's more, the banter goes on in four languages at once (Malay, English, Mandarin and Hakka) so it adds to the challenge (and humor).


but lately mum is starting to fall into the trap of "m-hmm"s, and i'm worried. maybe she's tired. she ain't the lass she used to be. but i'm doing us a favor here by averting brain shrinkage and engage each other in debates that work the mind, make us think. these verbal engagements aren't limited to summoned topics of conversation; sometimes they stem from what we are currently doing at the moment, or my choices in life. it is a good way to verbalize and hence further clarify the pros and cons of my choices.


i miss mum. and debates.


p/s: i wish i can attend proper English classes, a course in Professional Writing and/or be writing articles in a publication (KLue, Juice, or The Nut Graph, perhaps?) English is my forte... i may still have a lot to learn but i am sure i am one (or three) classes above lots of people already =)  

worries

perhaps i have lost trust too many times. wearing my heart on my sleeve is obviously a bad idea. that contributed to my distrust. and now, i am prepared to wear it again, by opening up to a relationship, being with you. but i still have a nagging feeling every time. of infidelity.


we rarely get to contact each other - you can't text at work, you can't call as often. and when you come back you are always tired.  and what a coincidence that your workload has increased. it certainly doesn't help that your social calendar is kinda busy (the young people's lifestyle, i know). i know you enjoy being challenged and not just sit idly around the office. i DO understand that you are busy. i always want to understand. but understanding can be painful.


i really, really want to trust you. but my jealousy gets to me every time. it's like the jealousy is jealous of me and you. i really want to rest my trust fully upon you. maybe i'm just too cautious for my own good. please pardon this. maybe i should get myself away from you for a while.


running is good for the body, improving health with this cardiovascular activity. it is also good for me to reflect upon myself, and what's going on around me. it gave plenty of time for me to think. and someone forgot to do something that he/she promised to do. but i don't want to bring it up. perhaps he/she could think it up later.


p/s: watching Ugly Betty gives me a push to do something literary. an article, perhaps. associate editors. i have the skills... anyone know how to get a gig?

...thoughts...

thursday. test day. morning, i missed the car ride with juju coz i was too sleepy - so i decided to spend the morning to sleep in, at least until 7am. that's when i get ready for class. walk to class, of course. morning class, didn't expect mama sha to arrive this early. sat at the back, i decided to be invisible for today. just having system analysis class, which is ALWAYS confusing. just now she asked a simple question: "write down what you want to have in a software" and that left us a bit cautious and baffled. does she want a simple answer, or does it lead to something deeper? coz THAT'S WHAT WE ARE ALWAYS THINKING WHEN WE ARE IN HER CLASS!! we just don't really know what kind of answer she wants. test at 12noon, but i spent the extra hour not really reading the book. i spent it sitting calmly, passing "gold" in the toilet. then i sat at the gazebos, waiting for the time to pass. test: 6Qs, 4 answered, and 2 unanswered. left earlier coz i can't stand the place. besides, i was already late for lunch. had lunch at Pak Lah's at the SUB. sat beside a grungy guy with a 'fro. grungy but i want his hair!! hahaha he keeps looking at our table (as if i didn't notice him)... 2pm. went back to nap. jogged in light rain in the evening.


saw a blog that i followed stating the "stupidity" of letting Adam Lambert into Malaysian shores, citing  "bringing the gay lifestyle into Malaysia". what's stupid is you and ALL people who propagandize celebrities' entry into Malaysia. Sheila Majid said it best: "do not insult our intelligence". we are NOT that gullible, hence NOT stupid; and besides, it's as though there are no other sources of information that could lead to anything negative. we aren't going to go to the concert and gcome back wanting to be gay, DUH~ perhaps he/she is SO afraid that he/she is gonna turn gay that he/she foils others' plans to see the show. grow up and grow some brains, idiots. what we need is an open-minded society. it's not about Adam only; think about the previous artistes that failed to reach our shores. no wonder singapore and even INDONESIA is more globally visible than us. STOP MAKING EVERYTHING A F***ING PROPAGANDA (sorry mum!)

A RECOMMENDED READING: FOUND IN MALAYSIA by THE NUT GRAPH.

feeling a bit emo towards you these few days. SMSes are rare if not uncommon. calls are brief. then when we get to chat on YM, you do other things, like read blogs, make a blogpost or doing something else other than chatting with me. then suddenly a long silence, turns out you fell asleep. i know what you're facing right now. you are a busy person, i know. i know you're using postpaid so it's pricier to text. but when there's a chance to catch up for the day (through YM), you chose to do other things, of course i feel touchy, of course i'm mad... if you are tired, fine, go to sleep. end the conversation instead of leaving me here unanswered and unattended. i'm just clarifying my thoughts to you here since you like reading blogs so much... more understanding. i love you always... 

rantings in one corner of McD

once again, i'm stuck with going on-off with the laptop - i forgot to bring my charger. had to share with mimi. if not, i'd have gone online with abandon.


i could only watch in sorrow as a good day passes me by without a chance to jog. i'm stuck in McD with the girls, they had to finish up an assignment. not that i blame them, i guess it's God's way of telling me i need to lay off running to let my leg's recover...


been experiencing extreme ennui and unsettled lately. but a large part of it has been dispelled by a short  session of speaking to beloved mum and dad... i need intellectual banter. too bad no one is interested in a bout of intelligent conversation. truly, surrounded by yes-people is not beneficial to the mind. God forbid i get Alzheimer's... thank goodness i am a coffee lover (coffee staves off Alzheimer's hehehe)


i miss you... seriously. huhuhuhuh... please come quickly, dear 22nd october, i yearn for the day to meet you.


a test tomorrow, Spatial ANALysis. anything with ANAL in its name is potentially ANAL. a serious pain-in-the-area even sessions of ibuprofen cannot remedy. 14 chapters, 1 day (in Ashu's style of "5 problems, 1 solution" L'Oreal ad) i can only wish for the best as i am experiencing a boredom towards the subject.


re-reading New Malaysian Essays 1 is a delight - one can never read enough of it. can't wait to get my hands on NME2, and to start reading NME3 after i bind it properly - a certain level of decorum in officiating the book is in order.


I MISS YOU~


i paid my broadband bill, i even changed the SIM card as the Celcom people suggested - but the line is as bad as before, if not worse. Watafakk dudes/dudettes?? all three networks (C, M and D) are the same when it comes to being assholes - not one truly excels the other. what am i supposed to use?? 

ennui 4th october 2010

the mood swings to the low end these few days...it's been going on since last week, i think. i just have little or no drive to do my work - the most recent (probably the only one) instance of me in hyper drive happened last night, while finishing up my English presentation. i guess drive comes from my passion for the language. after that it's back to drive-less humdrum...


had my English presentation today. i had intense consecutive running days last week due to the lovely weather - thus the pain persists until today (i ran again today; i MUST stop tomorrow. pray it's gonna rain) but the upside is i feel confident fitting into good clothes again, so i went on with wearing my best shirt and black jeans combo that accentuated my figure and complimented my butt for today.

our presentation was fine, i made it minimalistic so that we could rely more on verbal presentation (it's called a PRESENTATION for a reason, not read-from-the-screen). turns out that many questions were able to be asked due to that fact - so we could earn more points for language (at least, i think i did most of the talking; nevertheless it's a group effort) 

THANKS A LOT TO MY TEAMMATES FAIZAH, NIDA, and BANA :D

then afternoon - lunch at pak ali. the uncle at the counter (he's pak ali, i guess) has a face that is so serene... i can't help but smile everytime i see him. LOL. then database class in the afternoon - SLEEPY~ kinda wish i didn't go, though. no attendance was taken. hehehehe... but there was a meeting for the FYE. it's in two weeks so i don't know if i can manage it...


night - right now going online at the science comm faculty. i ran away into the darkness of the other side of the building coz i REALLY can't stand the heat emanating from the spotlights above!! i really wanted to shoot them all off their sockets. and i think i'm kinda photo-sensitive. i hate brightly-lit places. i'd rather not enter those shops where they seem to have no conscience about light pollution and/or energy-saving lightbulbs...


p/s: reminiscing with you about our first encounter and how we met as i type this entry... 20th August 2010 - the magical day that officially tied me and you in a knot that is LOVE...i love YOU :) 

share

i feel sad that you won't share things with me... you said everything is okay, but i know it is not. i know what's happening in your life, your job... i know you want to be strong, feel better about it, see the sunny side of matters. but please don't keep mum about it, okay?


i miss you always. o how i wish to have you right here by my side to kiss and to hold...


i want you to know that i am here for you, i am here to listen to you, for you to share your problems, for you to love and cherish, for you to hold on to in dire times...

resolve

it's a play of hearts and emotions happening within one hour today. feels like the Kiefer Sutherland series "24".

finally got something through to someone... someone who thinks that there was a relationship between us. the fact is there was nothing between us in the first place... you are so far away back in Sabah, and i'm over here - and we were hardly, barely communicating; i was surprised that you still think that it's a relationship at all... i'm sorry i had to snap you out of your delusion. i wish you the best in getting someone closer, who can give you the love and attention that you deserve... besides, i'm already attached...


also, i was surprised to be retracted from an invitation - and when it was talked about and i acted professionally, it would be a lie to say that i wasn't shocked. well, an instant un-invitation is totally unexpected from a dear friend. not even a persuasion attempt.


whatever. it is not as if the world hasn't dealt me a heartbreak card; it's time for someone to feel the pain too. and about the un-invitation, forget it. i retract myself from the invitation.


footnotes:
- totally wishing i could be blair waldorf. be rich, powerful evil. be so powerful that i can make people fall out of their place in society. moments of evil in GG (scheming, blackmail, extortion) are my current fantasy. better still, be an amalgam of blair+wilhemina slater.
- i miss YOU!!!!! but you seem distant today... you didn't share much.
- can we just get over these classes and assignments - i'm tired of the worries and the load...

my two ringgit's worth of opinion

just finished a night around town with nisa and mimi today - it finished around 12am, actually :)


it is just really, really tempting. it is as my roommate once said: when you're single, no one notices you; but once you are attached, proposals and come-ons come from all directions!! i believe this is called the "nuptial glow" or "seri pengantin" in our mother tongue. last time after my first date, i recall nisa said that i seem to have a glow... hehehe... proposals and come-ons aside, i am steadfast in being an attached person because YOU are lovely and accepting and wonderful in every way; i love you so much and i am grateful to have you in my life :) (feel like singing Bruno Mar's Just The Way You Are)


i saw a flyer about "the role of students in curbing social ills and infant abandonment". in my opinion, abstinence is futile. i have seen all sex/shapes/sizes/manner/clique of students, and i am ABSOLUTELY sure that NO student straight, gay or bisexual will say no to sex. we are very hormone-driven in our teenage years. yes we have a rational mind, we have morals and ethics, but i am a REALIST. i believe Glee has touched on this (Rachel lectured the Celibacy Club about this) and i too, speak based on experience. therefore, the way to curb this is to use CONTRACEPTIVES. the spike in infant abandonment around this time is perhaps due to New Year Sex. it's September/October now and babies take nine/ten months to form fully; go figure.


to be smart is to be responsible. you may choose to play the nice secretary or be the naughty nurse, but be sure to PLAY SAFE ALL the time. we weren't taught about Puberty and Anatomy in secondary school for nothing. and to some religious factions, don't talk to me about Contraceptives being haram or anything. they're already having extramarital sex, which is a sin; they might as well stay safe doing it. besides, using contraceptives (barrier methods, especially) is also good for preventing STDs, which is scary.


you want to play, go ahead; what you have in your Book is between you and Him later. but don't drag other people into it by ruining your sex partner's future and bringing an innocent child into a possibly  shameful and doomed existence...