birthday blues

my dear friends keep asking me "how are you going to celebrate your birthday?", "who are you going to celebrate it with?"... thanks for the Qs, friends...a appreciate your cordiality... honestly, those Qs are relatively new to me.

back home i'd be greeted at school with wishes of happy birthday, and just have dinner with my family; sure, when i was little there were parties, but there weren't many. nevertheless, i am grateful for them because i get to be around people i love, my family :)

but my birthday this year seems to be kinda strange. i'm truly grateful (and frankly surprised) by the turnout of wishes...gotta thank facebook's birthday notifications too... thanks friends and family for the wishes :)

there was an invitation to go out last night by my closest pals. but i declined... i had a test today. i decided that belting songs for the third time (in a row) is not the way to face this test... and i know i sounded stupid with last night's excuse: feeling old, et cetera. honestly, i wasn't thinking straight last night.

now i finally found the right reason why and i'm able to phrase the answer to why i didn't want to go out - it was because you are hanging out with someone else... you all went out with your friend whom i know of but am not close with. and i want to just spend my birthday with people i already know, people whom i have already learn to love. i don't want to spend it trying to get to know someone new. it's not his/her fault, he/she did not do anything wrong. it's just me. besides, screaming my lungs is not what i'm currently looking to do - i want to shop/window-shop. to walk amidst the fresh new products of a shopping mall. to delight in the sight, smell and feel of new merchandise... not to mention to stock up on supplies for next week.

and now i look forward to spending time with my closest friends. all of them at once. not one, not two/three of them. but all at once. but even that seems to be a bit far-fetched. they're busy with a new assignment. i try reassuring myself it's okay, it's fine. it's not their fault they're tied up. they have more important things to do. but who am i kidding. i feel sad.

oh how i wish someone knew what i'm feeling. how i wish i have my beloved family by my side.

and it certainly ain't helping that you aren't here by my side... oh how i wish i could fast forward to 3rd september!! :'(