right now, many uncertainties bug me. so many questions are muddling my thoughts, meddling with my sanity. it plays with my fears. my uncertainties. it saps up my sleep, my mind, my sanity.
what if it isn't real? suddenly i go to your place, only to find that you haven't moved at all. or one day i walk/drive past our favourite place only to find you there, happily dining with another lover. my biggest fear is that you're leaving because i wasn't able to offer something to the table.
i don't know if it's just mild paranoia or *gasp* the truth. reading your old messages, it crops up everywhere - subtle nuances apparent only now. tiny, tiny things that give something away. something un-good. i refrain from "bad" because it is too strong a word. things seem interchangeable. seemed inappropriately dynamic. seemed... scarily fluid and general. i am in a constant state of denial. a constant, constant state of denial because of this.
they say ignorance is bliss - i curse myself sometimes for being too nosy with some things. but not knowing sounds scary. especially if it's about the self. what if i'd have gone through this relationship innocently? go through it without the need, the urge, the desire, or god forbid the fanaticism to know each and every little detail? would i be everybody's fool?
my mind questions my love and loyalty to you now. i hate myself for questioning you. because i know my love for you is absolute. i refrain myself from questioning you because it would look as though i don't trust you. but some tiny, tiny cracks are opening up, and it scares me. there are SO many what-ifs in my mind now. so many evidences pointing to what i refuse to believe and what i have dismissed all this time.
this is only a fraction of what's in my mind. my thoughts are too flowing, too fast, too fluid to capture and form into proper sentences. but the theme is always the same: uncertainties, fears, and what-ifs.
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